I had to
wait a little while before posting this cuz…well…it took a while for me to stop
laughing.
I have
changed the names locations and catch phrases in order to protect the
identities of those included in this posting. Resemblance to any persons alive
or dead (yea…like I’m a necrophiliac…LOL) is purely coincidental…
So a
while ago I went out on a few dates with a beautiful woman. She was European. Tall, beautiful,
reminded me a little of a thicker Famke Janssen….Yummy! She was also highly intelligent and held at least
one masters.
We went out and did the typical date things…Movies, Dinners, Sex…
Now…
She was a pleasure to be around. Although she had a penchant for
complimenting me. Which if you know me, stirs all sorts of trust issues…
Sooooo that became a bit of an issue with me.
It became a much larger issue with me cuz I feel as though I must
reciprocate a compliment with a compliment…Argh! And that wasn’t the end of the
compliment dilemma…The way she said thanks after my requited and forced reply also
grated on me…It was a cutesy elongated thank-you…It sounded like this:
Tthhaaaaannnk-“Q” (stretch the “thank” unnaturally using a high pitched
voice and then come down a few octaves so humans, and not just dogs can hear
you with a curt and affirmative “Q” not “you”…)
Ball One…
Then there was the gay thing…
EVERYONE who knows me recognizes that I like to have fun with my
gay-straight look and mannerisms… Look; I buy clothes purposely to maintain my
“look”. So whenever the subject was broached, she became very defensive and
maybe a tad worried or judgemental…(I’m not altogether sure…it was just a weird
vibe). She would say things like “you’re very macho” or “I don’t see the gay
thing”… OMG… I love to tease the boys and spend thousands in hair products
alone to achieve my goal… Don’t tell me you don’t see it…Argh!
Strike One…
Then the sex…
Soooo…it started with her saying I was very sensual… WTF
I didn’t understand that one so I had to ask my “girl-friend” Lisa.
Apparently it has something to do with how I take my time…and don’t explode in
my pants…LOL
I don’t know what other men are doing…but if they’re rushing and
exploding, they’re doing something is wrong.
Then it was the actual act of sex. And I used the word “act”
purposefully. Throughout the entire ordeal I felt as though there were cameras
pointed at us and that a phantom director was prompting her to hit specific
markers, milestones and recite lines…
She was very verbose in bed and dictatorial as well…To all my friends
she quickly became Benito in
Bed…(BnB…Title Reference…hahahaha). In fact she would repeat a mantra that was
similar to: “…oh baby, baby, you’re soooo good, oh baby, baby, you’re soooo big,
oh baby, baby, ya…like that…”
Now…If you
know me you’ll realize that not commenting while this is going on was killing
me. So instead of saying something…I did the only thing I could…
I
began to laugh!
Fortunately
she was in some porn stance that the director whispered to her, which provided
me a leg to bury my face in and obscure my smirk and laughter…I also started to
think she had forgotten my name…LOL Thank god for the phantom director and her
leg…LOL
Besides the
mantra, she was kinda bossy and would say things like: “…put it here…” | “…lick
it there…” | “…on the left side…” | “…do you like that…”
The last one…“…do
you like that…” when she said it was less of a question and more of a
statement…Which wasn’t very engaging. In fact it worried me. What if I told her
what I really thought? Argh…
Strike Two…
And
finally…her hands would wander and her fingers would get really close to my
anus. Now, I know some guys might like that. But…in my case the gay thing is
just for show…
Strike
Three…
I
tried to talk to her about it…But I just couldn’t reconcile my issues…
She
is an amazing woman and I’m sure she will make someone an amazing partner.
Benito
You Rock!
