Date Postmortem

Last night I went out on a date…

WooHoo

It was the first date I had been on since having been dumped. You know who you are… (I love ya!)

Anyway…

I have always been proud of the fact that I really don’t have a “type” of woman that I find attractive. However there are several women I think are beautiful and I think if stitched together they could approach my ideal physical woman.

 

Those women are (in no particular order):

Famke Janssen

Monica Bellucci

Hilary Swank

Salma Hayek

Michelle Yeoh

 

Now…I may not have a “Type” But there are some overwhelming traits I find important.  But if I were to distill all of the traits into a single word, that word would be…Elegant.

What that means to me is that a woman would dress appropriately for the occasion; speak at a level appropriate to the audience, walk and moves in a fashion that exudes strength, femininity and some culture. That isn’t too much to ask is it ??

 

So back to my date…

The initial meeting and interview occurred online. You know one of those grocery store type of dating sites where you get to scroll through thousands of profiles. All the while realizing that “Average” body type is very subjective, and words like “Honest” should have asterisks beside them with exclusions and caveats…

 

My first impression (on-line) was that she was pretty…

Thick dark Hair, good complexion, average body, full lips…etc…

After reading her profile I introduced myself and we began an online conversation.

She disclosed that she was Irish, and had a conventional Irish catholic upbringing…

·      Irish-Catholic schools… nuns whom beat the piss outa you.

·      A father who drank and beat the piss outa you.

·      Siblings that were idiots and beat the piss outa you.

 

We quickly moved to talking on the telephone…We spoke twice, and on both occasions she seemed articulate. I have to admit that whilst talking on the phone my spidey sense began to tingle a little bit. She was Irish…and hadn’t been in Canada all that long…and she had no trace of an accent…hummmmmm….

 

I decided to put aside foolish thoughts of accents and decided I would ask her out for coffee. Which is code for: I’m interested, but an in person evaluation and interview is required.

 

On the day of our meeting slash interview…due to circumstances which I still don’t fully understand she changed a 1530hrs coffee meeting to a 1930hrs drink. Tingle went my spidey sense…

 

She then texted me to say she was getting dressed…hummmm… spidey sense…

 

I got to our mutually agreed meeting locale a few minutes early, and began to wait…I got a text from her ten minutes after our agreed time to say that she would be 10 minutes longer…argh… Tingle… Tingle…

 

Anyway…thirty minutes later an overweight over dressed overdone…person whom barely resembled the profile pictures arrived. 

First thought…

Run for the hills…

Second thought…

If she hasn’t seen you… Run for the hills…

Third thought…

Next time listen to my fucking spidey sense…

Fourth thought…

Is that the new BMW X6 M-Class coming down the street behind Godzilla….

Nice…

Too bad she’s blocking my view of that nice car…

Forget the shiny new car…It’s not hers…RUN…

 

The split second of indecision and admiring that nice new shiny car were my downfall…She saw me…

OK…Breath…

I figured I would try to make the best of it…

 

She came over and gave me a huge hug and kiss on the cheek…

And then proceeded to ask where I was going to take her out for dinner. WTF!!!

We had gone from afternoon coffee to dinner…Wow…I’m a sucker!

 

In order to simplify things, I decided to take her to a restaurant that I have frequented often. We sat on the patio and it was then that I noticed all the inquisitive stares…

Now…

I’m used to having people stare at me when I’m with a woman. But it’s usually because people are suspicious and/or wondering why is SHE with HIM. The apologetic, pity filled eyes were a validation that this time the tables were most definitely turned. Argh…where is my cloak of invisibility…

 

I ordered a coffee and an off menu tasting platter to share…

She ordered a pitcher of sangria…

I explained to her that I don’t drink and wouldn’t be able to help her with the pitcher. She countered with…Oh…did you want some? OMG…I’m an idiot!

 

Our drinks arrived quickly which was appreciated, the silence between us was quickly becoming overwhelming… I found that I was distracting myself by focusing my thoughts and trying to make my companions head explode. For a second there I thought that I had been successful, her eyes widened and her overly painted lips curled into a grimace that only Dr. Seuss could have imagined…but regrettably she was just excited to see a dog walking down the street.

 

When the food arrived she let out a high pitch squeak of excitement…The waitress was quite specific about clearing a space between us in order to facilitate the sharing of the enticing amuse-bouche. My cohort wasn’t as convinced that sharing was the best plan of action. She pulled the platter decisively towards her and proceeded to coral all the items she wanted towards the corner of the plate furthest from me…WTF…did that just happen…

 

So, after consuming a single prawn, a fried oyster and listening to the sounds of her eating, which were akin to a wood-chipper. I decided I would feign a missed call on my phone…and quickly excuse myself.

Please god…if this works I’ll go to mass, or at very least consider walking into a church…

 

Fortunately she was occupied with trying to get the last strawberry at the bottom of her glass after having drunk ALL the sangria. I quickly made my excuses, paid the bill and skipped away into the evening…

 

Soooo…

What did I learn from this…

1.    When a woman says she’s average size…She’s not comparing herself to other woman. She is saying she’s HER average size.

2.    Words like honesty and integrity are not fixed or static constants of the universe. They are like the limbs of a tree. Seemingly rigid, but in reality they shift and sway at the whim of the slightest breeze.

3.    Listen to my spidey sense.

4.    Plan a better escape strategy…Cuz not everyone will get drunk on the first date…